Friday, May 31, 2013

Help Wanted! Apply Within!

I have been watching a lot of Downton Abbey lately.  A lot.  Maybe too much, because I have decided that I need servants.

I'm not talking about a housekeeper that comes in once every 2 weeks to clean behind the toilet (though that would be really nice).  I'm talking about an entire staff of servants.  I am even willing to dress myself in the morning to lighten their load.  I would be a benevolent master, after all.  I just want a staff to handle the necessities.

Any parent will tell you that they play multiple roles in their house:  cook, maid, moderator (sometimes more like referee), chauffeur, hairdresser, dry cleaner, nurse, etc.  And, we still have to make time for our normal adult responsibilities, like brushing our teeth.  It's ridiculous.

So, just for fun, I started looking into how much it would cost to find professionals to complete my less than favorite tasks around the house...

Bio Hazard Clean Up:  On those horrible days when one child comes down with the stomach flu, then the rest of the family falls like a pile of projectile vomiting dominoes, guess who has to clean that nastiness up.  Me.  Gross.  I think the $1000 retainer fee is well worth it if it means I won't get puke chunks under my finger nails ever again.

Pet Sitter:  I have mentioned my dog only briefly in these posts.  Briefly is enough for me.  I love my dog, but I am not a dog person...or a cat person...or really an animal person.  Horses are O.K., but I've never had one in my living room.  Judge away.  $180 daily for someone to clean up after the dog, walk her, feed her and play with her??  Bargain!

Short Order Cook:   I have a daughter who would live solely on mac and cheese, and a son who won't eat pasta.  One likes the meat, one who prefers the veggies.  One likes savory breakfasts, one likes sweet.  After I've sorted out something they will agree on, I usually end up tearing open a bag of salad for the sane ones...errrr...adults in our house.  I'm sure we could come up with an additional $32,000 annually to have someone provide us each with our ideal meals. 

Professional Organizer:  When we moved all our belongings while the house was under construction, I found the manuals for my son's Exersaucer.  This would have come in handy in 2002.  However, 11 years later?  I was seriously flirting with the term "Hoarder".  $85 per hour is all it would cost to have someone come in and sort through all my crap.  I figure I will only need them for about an hour each day for maintenance, that is, once they get through the initial stacks and piles.

I think this would be enough help to allow me to etch out an hour every week for pedicures like a proper housewife.  It might also afford me the opportunity to watch soap operas and eat bonbons with my feet up.  Something that has been missing from my life for the last, well, for my whole life.  All for a yearly price tag of $121,700.00.  My husband might have to get a second job, and I might have to learn how to pole dance and walk in stilettos, but I think we could make it work. 

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