An In-Flight Etiquette Guide

I once joked that if I could write any book, it wouldn't be the great American novel. It would be an etiquette guide called "Deoderant Isn't Optional" and I would give out free, signed copies at my gym. 

I stand by that. Only, now I'm thinking why stop there? The gym isn't the only place where people need a little dose of common courtesy. I'd like to offer the same type of instruction to my fellow air travelers. Bad manners and bad hygiene are only amplified when confined to the fuselage of a Boeing 737. 

So in an effort to make the world a better place (and in an effort to kill some time for a bit on this 3+ hour flight), here's a little cheat sheet of some simple dos and don'ts for a successful air travel experience:

DO bring something to occupy yourself during long flights. iPods, iPhones, iPads, Kindles, Nooks, actual books made with paper, Play-Doh...the possibilities are endless. 

DON'T depend on others to entertain you. Especially when they're trying to read the new spy thriller they just downloaded. (This means you, guy next to me. You're interrupting my Mitch Rapp time. Step off.) If you see someone pick up a book, or pull out their headphones, assume that's not an invitation to start a conversation. 

DO bring yourself a snack. Airlines won't feed you, so pack an apple or something to tide you over. 

DON'T bring yourself a meal that smells like hot trash with a side of skunk spray. Really. Don't do that. No stinky food allowed. 

DO call for a flight attendant if you need assistance. They're there to help. 

DON'T call for a flight attendant every 15 minutes to ask "Are we there yet?" or "How much longer?" They aren't your mommy. In fact, even mommies get tired of hearing those questions. Trust me.

DO excuse yourself to go to the restroom if necessary. Please. And, thank you. 

DON'T try to take care of the bathroom business in your seat. You're not sneaky. Everyone knows it's you. The person in the aisle seat would much rather let you pass by them than have you pass gas next to them. Don't be gross. 

I hope that these few basic tips have been helpful. I just wish I would have written them before boarding this flight. Only 2 more hours to go!